Tonight I feel like the worst gf ever on earth. Cos of the whole helping chub get his project done saga. He said i’m nt supportive n understanding enough. He said he’s disappointed cos he’s prob nt impt to me,that’s why I’m all reluctant n unwilling to help. He said I need to learn to priotise my time in accordance to importance. Most importantly,he said I don’t understand him after all this while.
Tell me,how nt to shed a single tear? Tonight I really wish I can give this up and walk away for being such a gf I am. I only have one word for myself. I’m undeserving. Undeserving of the love and everything chub has showered on me. Tonight I really wish he give this up too,so I can stop living in guilt. Tonight,I wish I can really stop those tears now and those thoughts.
You know I don’t think things will be the same after this whole saga. How can it be when he has alrdy questioned the love I hv for him? of his importance to me? Things feel weird now. Even a hug feels foreign? I’m really down now. Nt looking fwd to my 21st nt looking fwd to anything at all. I don’t need anything. I just wish I can go somewhere far alone n just be with myself. Maybe after so long,I finally feel like I wanna start life afresh alone. I don’t wanna go thru night where I shed till my pillow’s all wet n pretend everything’s fine nth happened the nxt day.
I..I just need to wipe those tears off n sleep thru tonight. Tml will be a busy day at work since it’s national day,that saves me from more unnecessary thinking. Night you.
Archive Page 2
Unworthy. Undeserving. Broken.
My god knows best! :)
I really shld be asleep. Bur I’m stubborn like that. When I wanna do something,nothing can stop me. Not even having insufficient sleep. It’s 0217hrs now. I’m to be up at 0550hrs. That’s umm the time I used to get up during those sec school days. Getting up before 6am,I will only do that for the ones I love. This time round,for the lil rascal brother of mine. Happy to know that he’ll be home for the nxt one week! Always good to have company more company at home 🙂
Anw something’s keeping me awake. I went from the state of being really exhausted to being really energetic now! That’s what u get for having too much thoughts.
Time and again,I always have this same stupid thought keeping me from sleeping! Urghh! I really shld stop thinking too much,to avoid the incessant and unnecessary worrying and just let God take charge. As for my dreams,as of tdy the 3rd July,made easier to rmb since it’s chubby’s day,whether I get to fulfil it,i shall leave it all to the one above. He really knows best and wants only the best for me! That itself is a good enough assurance to filter all my worries! 🙂
45th! ;)
I’m supposed to be sleeping. But I’d been stalking my lil cousin’s post on fb when I saw her posting something bout love love all. Haha I’m just a concerned cousin,I went to check all her recent posts and comments out,hoping to find out who the guy was haha. So kpo I know. But I’m really being concerned since her parents don’t fb all. She needs someone to watch over her in the cyber world. Lol
Anw I found out some frens mentioning this guy name so I went to track his profile down. Okay I sound super stalkerish now. Anw I cheCked out a few guys la. Her frens that is. They looks like small boy tho they’re alrdy sec 1. Which reminds me of those sec 1 days. How I was so afraid of talking to guys since I came from a convent school. I was shy rather haha. Okay I sound silly here. But I still am when I talk to guys i’m not familiar with. I would like to associate it with the lack in self confidence in myself. ESP having to talk to good looking guys. Omg,I’d be dumb founded! Lol
So I recall how nic looked in sec 1,hakim,praba and all the other guys in my class looked and how much they’ve changed into a cute boy to a man serving our country now. And all the boys disturb the girls and rumour of who liking who. Sounds childish now. But I really miss those innocent puppy love days. Haha. And all the wondering eyes when classes pass by my class to look out for eye candy all. Or when the guys looked in and shout a particular person’s name. Okay I admit,it feels good to know that I’m actually admired okay cos I always hv very lil confident in myself,I find it hard to believe there are people out there who appreciate my looks. And till date,I dont think my confidence level has really improved. I’m still very conscious bout my fat thighs,my hair arms,me being hairy. Actually hairy and fat sums it all up la. Thats why first thing I would do when I start a job would be to go for full body head to toe IPL seriously. It will really help lift my confidence level. I know it will cos I always feel good after waxing and threading I really do.
Arghhh woe of being me. Sigh. I always kid with bee when he complains how hairy I am,that he shld beware if he wanna hv kids with me,cos who knows maybe our kids come out got armpit hair liao cos the mother too hairy HAHAHA! Okay thats disgusting. Lol.
Alright back to topic,so I really enjoyed my sec school days. No doubt it’s the best 4 yrs of my education life and yup I guess it’ll be the most unforgettable 4 yrs of my life on earth. Cos firstly,I’ve made and found frens I really wanna have them ard for life. Yes I wanna see them get married,have kids( I wanna be their kids godmama),do well in their career,invite me to their humble place for hse warming,hv high tea with them when we retire(haha!) and even when they’re on their death bed(don’t wish for that to happen cos I want them to live longer than me),I wanna be there for and with them. Secondly,that’s also where I found the first boy who yup admired me and care enough to wanna be with me. But I’m such a bad girl I broke his heart eventually. He’s a nice guy really and I’d take him as a benchmark for choosing my future hubby cos he’s a family guy with the brains. Thirdly and most importantly,I was given a chance to meet bee. Am really thankful for that. And ydae marks our 45th month tether! 🙂
Okay enough rambling. I really wanna go on but i mist really sleep now. Night! 🙂
Tumblr-ing niow!
Finally gotten myself a tumblr acct. I’ve always wanted to do so,cos I think I’ll enjoy reblogging things I really think is meaningful.
Anyhow,this place will still be ard cos I’m really thankful and enjoying it here cos at least I roughly know only people whom i personally know reads. Tumblr on the other hand,will just be another space I will think twice before speaking my mind cos its gonna be for the public’s eyes and I’m sure people judges. I don’t wanna spam long word posts on it too cos I don’t think I shld be feeding strangers with too much info on my personal life. Maybe that’s me,more of a private person and I’m happy with that 😉
So see you on the other side too; sarahawt.tumblr.com 🙂
Thinking and being positive.
Learn to laugh at your mistakes. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Look at things in a different light.
No secrets. I personally think this is how one should live by,to be a happy person. Those who are constantly wallowing in sorrow sadness and just being in a depressing state u’re in. It really isnt difficult to be happy. I think its all up in ur head. How willing u are to let go,to give up,to move on,to keep believing,to hope,to anything. It’s just how willing you are,to love urself enough to be a happy person.
Just my one cent worth of thought before bed. Night now 🙂
Just my
Lil miss pissy!
I’m just done with I think the first jog of the year. Still sitting downstair like an emo nemo. Enjoying the breeze and ranting here. I get weird stares from people passing by. It’s only 1030 huh. Not late yet. I’m a lil emo tdy. My parents said things to piss me off before my jog. And I’m angry at chubby for taking forever to bring me to places. Why am I always the one waiting? How long more can I take this waiting? I’m pissed. I don’t wanna wait anymore. I’ve waited long enough for things to happen. I know it’s my bad to say this,but if we were to get married,I don’t wanna wait for yrs for things to happen. I’m fucking losing my patience 😦 okay,maybe he’s right. The time of the month shld be on it’s way. This is driving me up the wall! Arghh. But truthfully,u can’t really blame the time of the month for the pissy mood. It’s usually the time where u say things u’ve always kept inside and didn’t wanna say out for fear of arguments. This is the time u pluck out all the courage and start a war me thinks. Haha. Speaking of war,chubby and I haven’t wage a war for a long time. None this yr yet as far as I rmb. I reckon after being tgther for this long,u grow sick of arguing so there’s the tendency to give in to each other or argue in a ‘fun,kiss and make good way? But like tdy,I really am pissed off with him and he knows that cos he knows very well how long I’ve waited for him to bring me do this and go there so he doesn’t dare retaliate at whatever I say. So now,see who’s the boss huh. Heh.
Alright I’m thirsty. Time to stop ranting and go up for a drink and shower. Buai!
三好. 做好事,说好话,存好心.
So I’ve been addicted to this hk drama bee dl for me. it’s called 宫心计. It’s reeally nice but i get kinda pissed and bored while watching cos people in the palace just can’t stop harming each other. And many innocence are killed cos of people’s schemingness? I feel so sad for them. And I see no point in being a concubine after watching the drama. Gotta wait until ur neck long for the king to visit you. I’d rather forgo the material stuff and title to be with a poor commoner who is always by my side. Whats more important he’s mine and mine alone lor. Why would i wanna share my hubby with another bitch right? Love is really something money can’t buy,my love at least la. okay I sound very bitchy here. Lol
Anw,I’m so glad I took back something while watching the drama. I learn to 做好事,说好话,存好心. I’m only human and that’s drama la. So obviously,in the real world,doing the above doesn’t guarantee me a smooth sailing life. Esp so in this you bite me I bite u back society. However,I think as long as u have a clear conscience,that doesn’t bite you,is all that matters. I hope this phrase will pull me thru working life in future. Not forgetting god too. This phrase will come in handy in motivating me to just carry on and do my job well, when I have evil colleagues. I know people judge. Some may think it’s naive bla blah to have this sorta thinking. But I dont really care cos I don’t have to report to anyone cept for the one above and that’s all that matter. And I believe scheming people are not happy people? How to be happy when u worry day in and out about being exposed or perpetually thinking of how to plot against ur enemies? That’s the saddest life anyone can live really. So live life with a clear conscience and bask in happiness ok! 😉
Alright time to soak in some class 95 till I fall asleep. Sleepy sleepy eyes since 12 but I refuse to sleep and it’s 0330 now. Good week ahead you. Night!
Random rambling
Almost 2am now. Class 95 keeping me company thru the night. Comfort music I call it 🙂 very happy to be able to just enjoy the music and have this carefree feel. I can totally rmb listening to music while cramping my brains at solving my poa questions just the previous week. So glad all’s over,for now at least. Now,I have to hurry get a job and start earning. I’ve alrdy been spending as if I’m alrdy earning. Which is bad. Hmm,been spending quite abit of time with bee too. He’s like the most ‘xing nang’ nsmen I know. He only went back to camp one night this week. That boy really has the best life now. Get paid for sleeping at home and spending time with gf somemore. Tsk I also want like that! But I am thankful for the time I have with him now. To make up for neglecting him during the exam period and soon when I take on a full time job,I’ll only get to really spend quality tine with him on sat and that’s about it.
Come to think about it,that’s the reason why being a student is good. U have the weekdays free during vacations or if there isn’t lesson. Once u get on into the working life,u’ll start to appreciate sat n sun more. I honestly dread for that time to come la but I’ll have to go thru that notion no matter what. Being a student is always better than being an adult no doubt,but there is the pain of studying for stupid exams too if u’re a student. The stress can drive one into depression lor. I can finally understand how people study until ki siao. No joke one lor and u can’t really blame them for the state they’re in cos it’s really not easy studying!
Okay this has officially become my rubbish post. I’m just blabbering whatever they comes to mind.
Anw,I’ve seen my lil bro. Very happy!! And I thank god for keeping him safe n healthy! 🙂 and I was sucha nice Jiejie I helped him pack his clothes into zipblock while he was busy settling his uni stuff. He better rmb how good I am to him ah or I smack him. Wokay time to stop blabbering or I can go on forever. Time for bed! Night you! 😀
Every day is beautiful :)
Yaaayy exams are finally over!!!! 4months of break swee la! I wanna go bangkok 买东西吃东西 leh. Chubby’s gonna go back on his words to bring me there now that he’s saving up to get himself a pet dog! 😦
Anw i wanna thank people i love who’ve thru this toughest period of my life with me. Esp my parents and chub. My parents for being so supportive (packing my 3 meals back for me for the past 2 weeks) and encouraging. They know it’s not easy going thru this uni shit so they weren’t putting presssure on me,tho I’ll incur additional cost if I fail my papers. But I’m prepared to save up and put aside money for papers I have to resit for. I feel bad making my dad come out with more than he should. Sitting for a paper alone doesn’t come cheap so I hope I feel the pinch paying it out of my own pocket and work harder to make my money worth!
And chub for being there to calm me down when I break down. For listening and tolerating my incessant whining. And checking on my progress every day and reaffirming me of his presence and that I’m not alone. I really appreciate that.
And frens who texted and encouraged. U know who u are. I thank god for putting these people into my life once again 🙂
I guess all the breaking down was cos I was really caught off guard at how tough this can get. Never imagined studying to be this tough. And I’m not one who bangs on memorizing. I can’t memorize for nuts. I need to figure out things and rmb it the way it is worked out rather than memorizing. Which is really tough cos there are just a shitload of theory which I can only memorize.
Nevertheless,now that everything’s over,I feel a weight off my load and I’m thankful and happy for that. I hope all the tears and fears can at least give me a pass for 3 modules. I’m not asking for more. I just wanna pass 3 modules.
Enough of exams. School can take a backseat for the next 4 months! 🙂 I miss my brother btw. He’ll be back coming tues and I can’t wait! His room has become my temporary refuge for the past week. I have been studying,eating,sleeping and yes crying in there for the one week. His bed and bolster all smell of me now. Hehe.
I wanna start running this hol too. I realized I’m less determined now that I stopped exercising completely. Maybe that’s the reason behind the weak mind.
I must learn from my brother academically. I’ll start being diligent! If my brother can do it,I think I can too! Heh
Alright,time to wash up and get my day started. Btw,I’m thankful for this space too. It’s like a verbal toilet bowl for me where I spam my thoughts,feelings,whines and just about anything here and I really enjoy doing that! 😉
Alright I’m going off for real now. Bye! 🙂
i’m sure god will put in place tdy people he knows will help run this country well. As a fellow Singaporean myself I’m worried my life in spore would be jeopardized by people who just go with the flow or rather really just people who always look back on what has been done wrong n not what’s right. Didn’t the gov pull thru SARS,hfmd,and the other one I forgot its name,with us? Why are people so ungrateful? And Nicole Seah has kiam Pa face I cannot take it. She said she hasn’t seen her mp of her estate in 12years living there. That’s complete bull. Cos I’m sure during big events,mp sure to go. Plus when u receive bursaries,mp will be there too. It’s more like cos she can’t be bothered to know or whateveeer.
And why wouldn’t people like LSL love the country? His dad built this country to where it is tdy leh. And those other fellow ministers,they also Singaporean leh. Why wouldn’t they love their country? If I heard rightly bout ministers pay being 15k a month,I think that’s too low. Given a choice I really wouldn’t wanna be in politics given that pay. You do so much sai for a country and get so lil. Even get ungrateful people that curse n swear at you. Not worth it lor. I’d rather go work for company. At least I dont get throngs of my fellow people cursing at me if something goes wrong.
So tdy,I hope people vote wisely. ESP in aljunied grc. The oppositions have said to cut ns,cut gst,cut income tax,cut alot of thing for the good of the people. But economically,cutting everything is not gonna do the people any good okay. Pls look fwd to the future you want. I don’t wanna live in uncertainty about what the opposition can do for me in the years to come. I’m worried About the fall of pap in the years to come cos I really think tho they have flaws but they’ve done a great job in running my home,somewhere I’m proud to live in. And I wanna say this,I love my country. But I don’t have to go ard telling people I love Singapore to prove it. I just have to spend more money and boost the economy to show it haha okay just kidding. But what I’m driving at is,i’m like the pap. Don’t have to shout it out loud. Prove it with actions. Not like the oppositions,keep saying they love Singapore. What are they proving? Same with my man. I don’t need a man to tell me he loves me everyday but shows otherwise. I need a man to be a man of his word. So vote wisely.
Dancing In The Moonlight 