After days of contemplating,I’ve finally made up my mind about this sat
02
Aug
12
After days of c…
31
May
12
Protected: Tonight …
20
May
12
Troubled
So tonight I have doubts again,about us. It’s easy to advice others,easy to tell them what they should do,who they should chose blah blah blah. But when the problem points at me in the face,I have no idea what to do. These 5yrs wasn’t easy. There was alot of tears,fears,compromising,accepting,patience,understanding and love. But really,is this the man I am to live the rest of my life with? Can I really go about accepting his flaws for the rest of my life? Can the love we built this on pull us thru till dearh do us part? Can we really live together compromising each other forever? U know with all the question marks,it really puts me in the fear of having to live life forever with someone else. Could this be he isn’t the one that’s why I’m having such thoughts? Or am I suppose to feel this way? My parents always tells me to find a partner,but don’t get married. I know it’s sad,esp so when it comes from ur parents’ mouths. U can sense the regrets they had promising to live life forever tgther. It really saddens me. But ah well they’ve alrdy done what they did. I don’t wanna follow in their footsteps. I don’t wanna regret going with my choice of my other half. I wanna be like those old couples you see on tv who still have a burning passion for each other,who still hold hands as they stroll in the park,who still plant kisses on each others forehead before bedtime every day. If I don’t think my other half can do that with me in years to come,I would really rather remain single the rest of my life. I can forgo my dream of building a home,a family of 4. Cos I don’t wanna walk in the footsteps of my parents and tell my children the same thing my parents did. I think it’s unfair to bring people into this world and tell them how cruel life can be to you. I don’t wanna do that.
08
Apr
12
I cannot,but God can :)
And so I’ve been torn btw alot of things lately. I always find myself standing at a crossroad having to decide which direction I should be heading. First decision always from the heart,second from the mind and I end up following the mind’s decision,which more often than not,proved that I should have gone with the first – the heart. That’s one. Next thing that’s troubling me,is my self discipline and my willpower/determination. Exams are a month away. I have no more time to slowly gain back the determination/discipline. I realized that the harder I try,the harder it gets. Today,I finally realize why. Cos I cannot,but God can. I need to be constantly reminded that I really cannot,but God can. So its time I stop trying so hard cos at the end of the day,I cannot. I have to trust in my strength,cos he can 🙂
Just something to remind myself:
God Is Your Strength
Ephesians 6:1010 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.
When you say, “I can manage this problem by myself, Lord,” God says, “Okay, you do it then.” But when you say, “Help me, Lord! I need You. I cannot do this on my own,” God says, “Good, I have been waiting for you to say that. You cannot, but I can. Now, watch Me!” That is how God is — He loves it when you depend on Him.
You see, when you think that you are strong and don’t need God, He cannot help you. But when you need Him and look to Him, He will not leave you weak and helpless. He comes and becomes the strength of your life. He becomes the breakthrough that you need.
A church member with a smoking habit came to me one day and said, “Pastor Prince, please pray that God will help me. I want to stop my smoking habit.”
I told him simply, “You cannot, but God can.”
He replied, “Yes, I know that I can’t. But with God’s help, I will discipline myself and try my best to quit the habit.”
I told him, “No, you cannot, but God can.” I repeated this to him a few times until he realized that it was not his self-discipline or willpower that would help him overcome his smoking habit, but the power of God. He finally understood that true deliverance from this destructive habit would not come by his own strength, but by “[being] strong in the Lord and in the power of His might”.
When I saw him again a few weeks later, he said, “Pastor Prince, since that day, I didn’t even try to stop myself from smoking. But each time I lit up, I told God, ‘I cannot, but You can.’ Then one day, the craving was gone! Jesus has completely delivered me from my bondage to nicotine!” This man experienced true deliverance, not just an outward form of discipline and willpower.
So when you say, “I can do something about it,” you are still relying on your human strength. But when you say to God, “I cannot, but You can,” you have just tapped into the real source of your strength — Jesus. And as you rest in His strength, you will see His power manifesting in your life!
26
Feb
12
Random babbling
It’s 10 mins to 3 in the wee wee hours now. My tooth hurts like a bitch as I’m helping bby with his project. Spoiling my mood damm. Anw I’m into my prelims in a week. Definitely not prepared but ah well we’ll see about it. Taking things in my stride now. I dunno if thats a good point or not. But sometimes I tend to take things too easy. Okay pardon me for babbling.
Neeways my intention in coming in is to remind myself of what my relationship with bby is about. We’ve been sticking ard with each other for the past 4.5years. Cant believe 4.5years have passed. The journey havent been easy. With a few breaks and patch, ah you know that vicious cycle ha. I guess breaking and patching might be a good thing to a certain extent cos afterall I realised I only got my point across to him after initiating a break up. Guys,is that too difficult to take our words seriously when we girls point out something? Okay back to the point,certainly things got better after the patch cos we’ve sorted out our differences and knows better what we’re expecting from each other. Also,thru the years I realised I’m starting to close one eyes to certain things I hate about bby (that are still bearable). I guess I just tell myself it wouldnt hurt me that he’s like that,so ah well let him be.
And so I’ve been helping bby with another of his project,amidst having to stress over my own study affairs as well. I was or rather am really reluctant to help cos its not like I’m not stressful and time constrained enough. I know I’m really mean but I secretly wished I could just say ‘lets take some time apart,come find me only when u’re done with ur projects!’ hahahahha! But I can see bby trying his best and putting in effort,so seeing him so helpless and hopeless,it really tugs deep down. I cant bear to see him like that so I had to give in eventually and help.
Which got me thinking,what if one day bby gt retrenched,cant get a job and I’ll have to be the sole bread winner of the family for that period of time? How?! Divorce meh? After he find job then patch back? Cannot right?
As much as I have the chance now to really act upon what I mentioned I wished earlier,I couldnt bring myself to do that. If I did,I really am fucked up. I thought of all the good times I had tgther with bby,how he was my support in times of hopelessness,how he always treat me so so well. He spoils me really. And that (thinking about the good times) really snapped me up and gave me strength to hold on. I guess this is probably what marriage is about? Maybe on a less scary level or rather committed level since it’s a non string attached thing in the eyes of the law. So to those who are on the verge of giving up on ur relationships,maybe think twice on the happy times tgther. In this way,it would definitely be easier to tide the rough side tgther.
Trodding on outta here. Happy Sunday y’all! 🙂
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never
became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a
result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical
details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end.
That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
Source :http://www.ariseindiaforum.org/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/
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Decided to copy and paste this article here to remind me of how precious life is,to make the right choice which makes me happy now,to live this life for myself and not for others,to appreciate and hold on to people I love and gives a meaning to my life and most importantly,it reminded me to not give up on any dreams I have.
Its sad knowing that many regret not realizing what they had always dreamt of being/doing as they just never mustered enough courage at that point in time to give it a shot. I should really start giving everything I think would make me a happier person a shot and not always think of the what ifs/I don’t think I can. I don’t wanna die in regrets too.
So,living out of a suitcase has always been my dream. You know I actually had an ideal future planned out for myself just after I graduated from secondary. Which unfortunately till date,I seem to be moving in the opposite direction of what I’ve hoped for myself. I didn’t make it to cjc,which was the only jc I really wanted to get into then,besides sajc which was unattainable. Not surprisingly,my planned included getting into the top 3 local unis in Singapore. Thereafter,I hope to join one of the worlds most sought after airline,which I’m really proud of,coming from a small red dot on the map. I knew from the day I made plans for my future,I’ll not settle for any other airlines.
Till date,none of my dreams went my way. But I’m happy with my alternative choices,maybe besides enrolling for uol. Ha! I’m thankful I gt into SP and made some really good friends. Those 3 years struggling with meeting project deadlines at the eleventh hour,long breaks which say us never coming back for lesson after,the journey at SP was nothing short of fulfilling. My uni life at SIM is terrible. Given the examination structure,which I’m not cut out for,it really makes me detest school quite abit. Given a choice again,I certainly wouldn’t enroll with uol again. I’d rather get a loan,pay more and register with Birmingham or buffalo,cos at least I know I’ll be happier being in that environment. Ahh well,no crying over spilt milk so I’m hanging in there earnestly hoping praying I get my degree by this June and get my ass outta sim.
Aferwhich,I’ll be given an opportunity to live the last stage of my dream when I was 17. 5 yrs later,I’m still holding on to that dream. Alot of negativity and self confidence issues,but I’ll give it a shot. No regrets even if I fail,cos at the very least I tried 🙂
Alright time to get my mask off,just wanna pen down my thoughts here so I can read back and reflect in time to come. I just wanna say,I know deep down even if I don’t get to live my dream,God will have greater things planned out for me and for that,I’m thankful 🙂
31
Dec
11
Recollection of 2011
So here I am,with the last post of 2011.
2011 isnt exactly a fantastic year for me,but it did treat me pretty well. The first few months of the year saw me struggling with UOL exams. It was the first and hopefully the last I’ll ever cry myself to study ever again. Once bitten twice shy,so I’m gonna prepare ahead for my finals this time round.
Am thankful for the opportunity to visit beautiful parts of the world like London and Paris. It was really an eye opening experience moving around an unfamiliar city with the family,but we sure brought back lotsa fond memories 🙂 Being to places out of Singapore really made me appreciate my home country even more. I’m really really thankful to be living in Singapore,a place free from natural disasters,with good governance,a clean environment,a safe city and a place I’m really just damm proud to call home 🙂
The trip also came as a timely getaway for my lil bro before he enlisted in May. That lil rascal would have been enlisted for 8 months come Jan. Oh how fast time flies! Thankful for God’s guidance and watchful hands throughout this journey for without Him,my brother wouldnt have made it so smoothly to being an officer cadet trainee commissioning in 4 months time! heh 😉
During the hols,I’m glad I made the choice to pursue what I enjoy doing most;sell clothes! haha. It’s a job which requires no/low qualification,but it’s a job that gives me so much satisfaction when I’m at it. It’s through this job that made me realise what I enjoy doing and should pursue in future and also,hey I finally found out something about myself I’m good at! heh 😉 You know the greatest accomplishment in the service line is when customers feel your sincerity and helpfulness,they appreciate you and send in a word of compliment. That will really make you feel that all the other nasty treatments you get from other customers doesnt really matter,cos the appreciative ones made all these worthwhile.
I’m thankful for the chance to visit my darling bitch in her hometown,Bandung,in July too. After knowing her for a decade,it was really time I took a trip down to appreciate the place she grew up in. And the best part about this trip,I had the bestest company I could ever ask for,with ling and hsun. Would be bestier if nic could be there too. You know one thing I’ll forever be thankful for is that all my bestest friends knows one another and can hang ard comfortably with each other. I know they are angels god has sent to be by my side 🙂 thankful is really not powerful enough to express how glad I am to have them,but ya know how appreciative I am 🙂
August saw me turning 21. No biggie celebrations,but I’m glad I have meals with the fam and friends I love,and that’s more than satifactory for me 🙂 That was also the month I took my results. First time in my education life have I failed a main exam paper. No tears shed cos no,I’m not one to cry over spilled milk. It came as quite abit of a shock to me,cos like I say it was my first time failing an important exam,but I was quite disappointed with myself. But oh well,I can finally say I failed,gave myself a second try and I made it,even better this time round (i know its too early to say I’ve made it,by ahh trying to be hopeful and optimistic ah! haha). And finally after going through 22 months or ns ordeal with bby,he finally ord-ed!
September was the month bby and I turned 4. We’ve come a long way and truthfully,this year hasnt been a very good one for us. We’ve had our fair share of good times and the bad,tho I think the bad might have override the good. I’ve been comtemplating throughout to walk away cos of certain issues I cant change,but my heart still holds back for this guy cos I know I may not be able to find another out there who can love me as much as him. Pardon me if I’m generalising,but guys these days sure have committment issues,so it’s certainly not easy to find someone whom I have 101% trust in and makes me feel so secure. Anws,I hope this new year I’ll learn to appreciate his good and he will learn to meet my love language. Also looking fwd to our 5th tgther in 2012! 😉
I am happy to get a new coat of paint to my room. Pinked it up! Sure feels like a princess waking up to a pink room everyday. Makes me so happy yo! haha! Honestly,I’ve spent many nights racking my brains on the colour combi of my room and worrying if the colour(s) I’ve chosen would be a replica of what I’ve seen on screen. Relieved I made a choice to just stick with all pink and keeping my fingers crossed the pink wouldnt be too loud. Really contented with it. And xmas also came in a form of a 32” led tv for my brother and I from thy parents 🙂
That pretty much sums up my 2011. Nothing fantastic really,but still very thankful for every happening.
The first half of 2012 will again see me battling with my books,which I certainly hope would be the last of my years in the education system. I am sure I’ll miss being a student,the carefree lifestyle and flexible time on hand,but well all good things comes to an end isnt it? haha.
So 2012 might see me embarking on another phase of my life,I used might cos I am uncertain if I can get hold of a proper job. I have a dream job,which people close to me will know. It’s not only a dream but a passion too. I think I will enjoy this job,cos I dont see myself sitting in the office typing away or doing anything mundane from the moment I step into office and out. Honestly,I used to think I’m cut out for all that,but not any more. I think the service line suits me best,so even if my dream job is unattainable,I’m glad at least I have a direction in my job scope and I wanna do what I enjoy doing. I know I’m a degree student,I know my degree dont come easy and cheap,I know I have to find a job with pay that justifies the paper I had attained. But to me now,I think waking up every morning knowing you’re heading to a job you really love and enjoy doing is more of my concern.
Alright,once again,all that I am and have today,all glory be to the One above. I’m full of thanks for this year,I hope for a better tml,a better 2012. May all be well for everyone! 🙂 Have a blessed 2012! 😀
24
Oct
11
All the tears tonight
So so emotional tdy. I’m so tired n drained from all the tears,thoughts,hurtful words n arguments. U know how it feels to hate people u’re obliged to love? This is it. Another day of fight with thy parents. It always ache at the heart at the thought of hurtful words n disappointments in them. I wonder if they feel the same too. These tears that fall,are nt of anger. They are tears of disappointments. And that’s what hurts the most.
I have so much to say,to pen down on the reasons for these tears,but thinking of it just cuts deeper n tears run like tap water.
Not everything’s worth fighting for. But I believe what I fought for tdy is definitely worth every tears n heartache. I take comfort in Him. He knows what I fought for tdy is to glorify him,to bring another back to him. If his grace multiplies,more will be brought back. I believe this is the start of a good beginning for my jie,my pa,ma n Kor and I’m thankful for that,my second family.
Nvm if my mum says they’re not impt to her,they are n will always be in my eyes. Let that weary heart of mine be at peace n tml will be the beginning of a better day,a better week 🙂
20
Aug
11
Somewhere in the night;
class 95. My icy cold feet tugged under those sheets. Light from my phone. Hugging the bolster. Missing my lil bro. Thinking abt my results in 3 days time. Worrying more like it actually. Thinking abt growing another yr older in 5 days. Wondering why I don’t feel a thing. I wanna be forever young. I wanna fulfill dreams I hv been dreaming of. I wanna accomplish something. I really wanna go bkk. I wanna do shopping really badly. This 21st I don’t need lavish gifts,I don’t need any celebrations. I don’t need all that. I just want a happy n healthy family & friends. I want ppl I love to be blessed this bdae. For them to be happy. Cos if they are,I will be too. Above all,I really wanna pass every module this exams n graduate by next yr. That’ll be the best gift,ever. God gave me a wonderful gift 2 Xmas back. I passed my tp. This time around,I’ll pass my exams. I will! 🙂
Dancing In The Moonlight 